Shame Is Not the Enemy
A New Lens on Growth, Healing, and Self-Awareness
Shame.
Even just the word can make your chest tighten. It’s one of those emotions we all carry quietly, secretly, often buried beneath the surface. But for those living with health issues, chronic illness, injury, pain, disability, and/or neurodivergence, a body that no longer behaves the way it once did – shame can feel like a constant companion.
It shows up in the little moments: the missed social events, the changes in your body, the fatigue that won’t lift. It settles in when your relationships shift, when your work is interrupted, when the dreams you once had feel far away. It whispers things like “You’re too much” or “You’re not enough.” It says, “This is your fault.”
And we’re told not to feel it.
“Don’t be ashamed,” people say, as if that’s helpful. As if shame is something you can just shrug off like a jacket that doesn’t fit anymore.
That’s not how this works.
Telling someone not to feel shame is like telling someone not to be depressed. Shame is here. It’s already arrived. It’s wrapped around us, tangled in our thoughts, shaping how we see ourselves and the world. Denying it doesn’t make it disappear—it just pushes it into the shadows, where it grows even stronger.
So what do we do with it?
People love to say, “Just lean in.” I’ll be honest—I’ve always found that phrase frustrating. What does it even mean? When you’re struggling, when you’re overwhelmed, in pain, or grieving your own body – “leaning in” can sound like a cruel joke.
But today, I want to offer you a different way to understand it. A softer way. One that might actually help.
To “lean in” isn’t about fixing or fighting. It’s about noticing. Accepting. Welcoming even the parts of you that feel uncomfortable or messy or broken.
It’s about saying to your shame:
“Hey. I see you. And I know why you’re here.”
And maybe even this:
“Thank you, shame. I’m so glad you showed up. You’re reminding me that I care deeply: about my health, my relationships, my purpose, my place in the world. You’re proof that I haven’t given up. That I’m still reaching for something meaningful.”
When we meet shame with love instead of resistance, something begins to shift. It doesn’t mean the pain vanishes. But it does mean we’re no longer alone in it.
You are not broken for feeling shame. You are not weak. You are profoundly human and that is beautiful.
Let’s stop telling ourselves we shouldn’t feel this way. Let’s stop hiding the most tender parts of our experience.
Instead, let’s sit with them. Let’s offer them warmth. Let’s remember that even in the midst of struggle, we are worthy of love – including our own.
With softness and solidarity,
Cyndii Sinex, MPH
Founder, Chronic Illness Hotline by Project Build
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